Jason vs Punisher
by Thundarr The Barbarian
Summary: This is a re-imagining of the story "Assault On Camp Crystal Lake", as how it would look if written by someone with an above 5th grade education. It is rated M for extreme graphic sex and horror violence. Read at your own risk.


**Author's Note: **This is a retelling of one of ghostmctavish's stories, _Assault On Camp Crystal Lake. _I decided to give it a remake because the original was so poorly done, I had to scrub my eyeballs with S.O.S. Pads after reading it. So this is what the story would look like if it were written by someone who understands punctuation, grammar, sentence structure, how to use the spell check on a computer, how to spell the name of one of the main characters (Jason Voorhees, spelled with two O's not one), among other things.

**Disclaimer: **I hate writing these, because they seem rather pointless on fanfiction which, by its very nature, is not for profit and therefore violates no copyright laws. The Punisher is owned by Marvel Comics, which is in turn owned by Stan Lee. Friday The 13th and the fictional character of Jason Voorhees were originally owned by Paramount Pictures, then New Line Cinema. I believe that half wit Michael Bay owns the right now, but I could be wrong.

The original characters of Jake, Britney, Officer Max, and Officer Jacob, were all created by ghostmctavish and then perfected by me.

Don't bother suing me because I own nothing of value.

_**JASON**_

_**vs**_

_**PUNISHER**_

It was a sunny day at Camp Crystal Lake where Jason Voorhees supposedly stalks and kills anyone who enters his woods. Ignoring the stories told by the townsfolk, a couple of teenagers head out to the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake to party. The guy's name was Jake. He's captain of the school wrestling team. He's tall, blond, muscular, handsome, and very popular. The name of his current girlfriend was Britney. She's the school party girl. She's hot, blond, tanned, and into drugs, alcohol, and sex. She likes it any time, anywhere. They set up their tent right on the beach, build themselves a campfire, then go skinny dipping. After they get out of the lake they're really cold, so they quickly throw on some shorts and t-shirts. Jake pulls a joint out of his cigarette case and lights it up. He and Britney pass the joint back and forth, getting nicely blazed. Then he takes out a little plastic pill bottle filled with cocain, and a small mirror. Using a razor blade, he divides the coke up into four thin lines. Jake rolls up a five dollar bill and uses it to snort the coke, first up one nostril, then the other. He hands the mirror and rolled up bill over to Britney, and she does the same. Then they start making out. After a moment or two, they head into their tent. They lie down on their sleeping bag and continue making out, when suddenly Britney hears what sounds like footsteps.

"Oh my God! Jake! I think I heard something!"

"What?" says Jake.

"I think I heard something," she says.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's that Jason guy the townies were warning us about."

Britney gets up off the sleeping bag and unzips the tent flap and looks outside. There's nothing out there that she can see.

"Look, it was probably just a raccoon or something," says Jake.

"What the fuck would a raccoon be doing out there?" asks Britney.

"We're in the woods, Dumb-ass. This is where they live. Look, you're just high. You're imagining things. Now get the fuck over here and fuck my brains out!"

And then a relieved Britney wraps her arms around Jake and gives him a warm hug, both the high-school harlot and the high-school wrestling star look each other in the eyes for about a minute or two and then kiss each other ever so passionately on the lips just before they strip off all of their clothes. Britney starts pumping two of her fingers in and out of her hot, wet pussy and caressing her own tits with the other hand while Jake begins stroking his stiff cock right in front of her.

And then, after Britney places her hands on Jake's bare shoulders she says, "Aaaahhhh,yeeeessss!That's it!Do it,Jake!Touch me!Touch me there!Suck my wet pussy dry! Aaaahhhh!"

Then Jake moves himself over to his girlfriend's ass and begins licking her asshole, causing Britney to suddenly realize that she was experiencing the one thing that she has never truly experienced with anyone, for she was experiencing pure and untamed erotica . . . and enjoying every minute of it.

Just then, after Jake has placed his stone hard dick inside Britney's ass, causing a sexually-energized Britney to yell at the top of lungs, "AAAAHHHH,YES! THAT'S IT! DO IT, JAKE! DO IT TO ME GOOD! TOUCH ME! FUCK ME! FUCK MY ASS! FUCK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME! MAKE ME WANNA CUM! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

And then, after they start moving themselves harder and faster and their lovemaking finally ends, Jake and Britney come and collapsed due to exhaustion and fall asleep with their naked arms in a lover's embrace.

Then suddenly, someone rips open their tent. Jake shouts, "WHAT THE FUCK?You piece of shit!"

Britney started screaming. Suddenly Jake was very afraid, because standing in the gaping hole in their tent was a man with a machete and an ice hockey mask over his face. It was … Jason Voorhees!

"Oh My Gog! Please don't kill me!" says Jake

If Jason could even understand what Jake said, he gives no indication. He just grabs Jake and cuts off his arms with the machete. Then he chops off his head, and then he cuts him in two. And then, Jake is dead.

"No!" begs Britney, "Please don't kill me!"

Jason says nothing. He just grabs her and throws her against tree, breaking her spine. And then, he walks towards her very slowly.

"No Jason please don't kill me!" cries Britney.

Jason walks towards her very slowly and stomps on her head until it explodes!

A few hours later, police officer Max and his partner Jacob went to Camp Crystal Lake to look for the teenagers who went out this way a few hours ago. Officially they had no reason to be out here. But bad things tend to happen to people around this time of year if they venture too near Crystal Lake or Camp Blood. Max goes over to the rundown old cabins to see if the kids are in there. Jacob goes over to the beach, because he can smell the smoke from a campfire that seems to be originating from the beach. He finds their tent and looks inside.

Suddenly, Jacob says "Max! The teenagers are all over the place!"

"But that's impossible!" cries Max, " How could anyone do this? OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

"Calm down," says Jacob, "This was probably bear or something! It's not serial killer! Jason Voorhees is dead! Okay? DEAD!"

Suddenly, Jason Voorhes is standing behind him!

"JACOB! BEHIND YOUUUUUUUUU!" shouts Max.

Jacob turns around to come face to hockey mask with none other than JASON. Before Jacob could even reach for his gun, Jason raises an ax and brings it down into the police officer's skull. With about as much effort as it takes to toss aside a hunk of dead wood, Jason throws Jacob's lifeless body into the dirt.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screams Max as he reaches for his sidearm.

Suddenly, Jason Voorhees punches him in the chest, and then he rips out his heart. Then he grabs Max by the head with one hand and squeezes until it explodes! And everywhere is brains and eyeballs and bones and blood! And now, both police officers both were dead and there was no one left alive.

So Jason Voorhees walks away so he can wait for other trespassers to kill when suddenly, he is shot in the back of the head with a rifle! He falls face first into the dirt. But Jason Voorhees has been shot before. Bullets can't stop him. He pushes himself back up into a standing position. He takes a look around to see who shot him. He sees a man with a black t-shirt with a skull on it who looked very badass and has lots of guns. It was… **THE PUNISHER!**

Jason Voorhees walks towards Punisher very slowly. Punisher takes aim with his rifle again and shoots Jason right through the heart. Jason doesn't even slow down. He takes out his uzi and empties the whole clip into Jason Vorhees, and that still doesn't even slow him down. So Punisher draws his sidearm, a Smith & Wesson 500, and empties six rounds into The Camp Crystal Lake Killer. Aside from knocking Jason back a step every time he's hit, all it seemed to do was piss him off.

Now Jason is too close for firearms. Punisher pulls out a Bowie knife and tries cutting the maniac killer's head off. Jason catches Frank Castle by the wrist and squeezes until he drops that big badass knife. The Punisher punches him in the head trying to get Jason to let go. Jason finally lets go of Frank's wrist and Punisher punches him even more.

But Jason Vorhees was tough and badass, so he grabs Frank Castle's hand and punches him really hard in the chest. Punisher goes flying through the air and hit a tree! But Punisher stands back up.

"Is this all you've got you ugly piece of SHIT?"

He takes out a desert eagle and shoots Jason Voorhees in kneecap, causing him to fall to his knees. Punisher gives him a kick in the face, and then punches him in face repeatedly. And then he jumps up and gives him an elbow strike to the top of his skull. Jason Voorhees' skull shatters and he falls to the ground! But now Jason was angry because his skull was broken and it HURTS! So he stabs Punisher with the machete and lifts him in the air. He tries to impale him on a broken tree stump. But Frank Castle is as quick as lightning so he kicks him in the face.

Now Jason Voorhees is even more angry and tries to punch Punisher in the face and make it explode, like he did to the police officer. Punisher dodges the strike and stabs him with combat knife in the leg. Then he kicks it, breaking the kneecap! Then he stood up and so did Jason Voorhees and both were wounded heavily.

Punisher thinks to himself, "Guns don't hurt Jason. Knives don't hurt him. I have to find way to defeat this asshole!"

Punisher sees canister of gasoline, so he takes it and throws it at Jason and says, "Burn you motherfucker!" and throws a lighter at him. Jason Voorhees catches fire and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But now, Jason Vorhees was burning AND PISSED OFF!

"Fuck!" says Punisher while Jason Vorhees was pissed off and walking slowly towards him.

He grabs the Punisher and chokes him and prepares to cut him into pieces but Punisher kicks his kneecap and breaks it, then punches him in the throat and dodges the macheteand punches him in kidney. As Jason Voorhees falls to his knee, The Punisher stabs him in the neck, and breaks it. Then he breaks it again, and lifts up Jason Voorhees with all of his strength and drops his Jasons spine across his knee, breaking his back. Then he throws him in the lake where he drowns to death. Then The Punisher gets into his Battle Van and drives away.

END


End file.
